you know, i really do never say anything particularly nice about myriad here

and i mean mostly that’s cuz these are my darkest, most despicable thoughts. but i guess it’s also because when we write here, we are afraid of all the wonderful things about them because we might lose them.

but you know what fucking impresses us about them? is their ability to admit motives/reactions/feelings that we never would because it would “make us look bad” and “give them the upper hand”. i don’t know. it just means a fucking lot to us. it’s validating, and helps us feel safer. whatever.

sometimes i think we are just trying to look like we’re growing and like stuff so we don’t end up feeling eclipsed by them. sometimes we think they have tools we don’t or don’t use and we wonder if we’ll ever keep up. who is writing this? what?

i am still fucking awake at fucking almost 6am nauseous and hurting so much. the bed feels too hard. fibro perhaps. we need more pot.

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