i don’t know what to do

i don’t know if i’ve ever felt this sad.  where there is absolutely nothing else.  at least not about myself.  about how nothing can be done.  how e will always be alone.  that isn’t ever exactly it.  it’s that she’ll never love us the way we wanted her to.  like it’s too late and we already messed it up.

i don’t know. it just isn’t going to happen.  there is so much sadness here.  no wonder we fucking smoke so much and get angry and fixate on other things.  this is.. it has subsided a bit but even the residual.  it is so heavy.  i don’t know what to do.

i just. i don’t know what to do with overwhelming sadness about myself that seems never ending.  i know i’m supposed to feel it but my god seriously?  that is awful.  i cried for over an hour.  which is a while for me.

we are just.  we are so alone.  and no one will ever make us not alone.  no one will love us enough to make it better.

i pretty strongly wanted to die when we were that sad.  i mean i can’t imagine we’d ever do it, but we wanted to.  we just wanted it to stop.

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