i don’t know if i’ve ever wanted to die quite like this

wow. i don’t remember that dream last night. i know i was kind of being with e*in so i don’t know what that means. i think i want to die.
i think this stuff with myriad and a*ron really triggered mom and dad stuff. and i’m not sure we even know how to see the difference. especially since we can’t even remember
plus i can’t find my goddamn wallet or phone (which is off so i can’t call it)
i spent the new year crying under my hand. i think we realized that myriad is never going to love us the way we want them to. the way that makes it all better.
i don’t know. i want so badly to die.
it wasn’t even that, though. it’s just. i don’t know, maybe i’m just getting really close to mom and dad stuff. and i wonder if i tried to get her to leave him. i have no idea. i have *no* idea what i did and did not know. i know i had no power to make anything better and she was all i had.
i think getting so involved with a*ron might actually have set this off in part. i think i ignored myself for way too long. ignored my own discomfort. i think i wanted SO MUCH to be good, to be the person who could be around a*ron. and i wanted to be someone *he* could trust.
i wish i was a fucking guy. a fucking male-bodied guy and then he’d never look at me that way and i’d never have to fucking worry. then i could be over there and be a good girl.
i don’t even know what our fucking problem is. we should just fucking get over it. he’s not going to do anything.
but i think being around the myriad-a*ron dynamic and being somewhat involved. i think it set something off BIG TIME.
i think. i don’t know what i fucking think anymore. i just know i have big bags under my eyes from crying so much yesterday.
the thing is. the sadness is underneath. and it is being revealed. the loneliness or aloneness. and m*riad isn’t going to distract me from it. so that suks.
i want so much to die.


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