we found a borderliner in a pink dress with dirt on her

on a hard floor with maybe chains but they weren’t on.  anyway, we tried to listen blahblahblah we made her a pillow person, who is someone who is a person in that they are warm and feel like a person, but like a pillow in that they have no sexual organs whatsoever or sexual feeling at all

i think at times like this with these people all kindness can seem like sexual advances and that scares the living hell out of us and we don’t know what to do about that

anyway the pillow person somes and cuddles the borderliner but really lies next to her and holds her and he has NO sexual organs and he isNOT A FUCKING WOMAN (did i mention the borderliners are closely related and/or are some of the mysoginists?  yeah, we have real problems with women.  but just women who want or need anything from us that is like part of their being a woman women get whatever they fucking want and we fucking hate them we fucking HATE them they are all so passive-aggressive and worthless and flirty and needing attention and love and need need need they are are so fucking annoying we fucking hate them we fucking hate having sex with them and how we have to do it because it’s our fucking job we fucking hate women)

woah.  ok.  i think when we are around m*riad and we sense (which could be completely off) that they are blocking stuff or like i don’t know being more funcitonal that way we get freaked out and we don’t know why because they are being perfectly wonderful and nice so what is wrong with that and it’s nice to have ided that.  mom was scarier when she was farther from her stuff.  she was scary when she was close toob but it was different scary.  not less, jus different.

anyway the pillow person is not a friend or someone who cares too strongly about us.  but they don’t mind and  may even like holding us but no more than we want and they NEVER want anything more ever it isn’t even possible for them.  we love the pillow person and he is with

men can be scary.  but women are a MILLION times fucking scarier because you can’t say no because you have to be nice and take care of them and take away their pain.  it’s internal force, not external.  it’s a pull not a push and we fucking hate it we fucking hate women seriously we do

and this is not a problwm because we are genderqueer.  period.  not a genderqueer woman.  we might be female, many of us definitely are.  but NONE of us.  and i mean fucking NONE of us, are women.  gals, girls, ladies, guys, whatever.  no. fucking. women. allowed.

it’s amazing how much mysogeny you get to get away with when you are female-bodied.  seriously.  i bet i get away even with this.

what does get away with mean?  who is the judge?  who. is the. judge.

like we don’t know.  we told noreen.  we told her.  we told her that she’s in a judge’s robe at the bench with a gavel.

i want to die.

everything hurts.

and everything is horrible.


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