i was thinking about this

and i was like “well of course a*ron would be totally comfortable being poly and with anything as long as he gets to have sex with them”

and i couldn’t figure out why.  like why would getting to abuse them mean he didn’t care about anything else?  and i have had this process running for a while.  because it seemed really obvious to me that it worked that way.  and that you would be willing to do anything for the person, to keep the person.

and i think it’s because if you get to abuse someone the way you want, you have everything you could need.  you have a way to escape the loneliness.  a real way.  the unreal becomes real.  you are no longer empty.  the impossible becomes possible.  the unfillable hole is filled.  that is i think the perfection (and ultimate tragedy) of it.  it is the getting of the ungettable.  it is the stopper for the pain.  it is the perfect love that makes the pain stop.  and as i say this my hea feels funny and my chest is tightening.

it is the possession of another person.  and that is the best escape there is, besides being possessed i guess.  and i think blah blah blah both are both blah blah but we are getting nauseuous and warm now what is going on?  i don’t think we’re supposed to be writing about this and i don’t know why.

it’s like all the stuff they say you can’t have, like your parents’ love and an end to the emptiness.  well you can if you’re willing to be an abuser.  it’s a big price, but it’s a bigger payoff.  it is the things they say you can’t have but can only replace and explore and work with and sooth through healing.  it is the quick fix and the get rich qquick scheme that actually works.

except this is a bit of a fiction.  because actually you have none of these things.  you cannot *actually* use someone else to be whole.  but you can create a world where you can and live there.  i am almost *positive* i am not supposed to be writing about this.

stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it say the people candy canes stop it stop it stop it nausea stop it go to sleep stop it stop it stop it so nauseous ugh stop it help us stop it

sometimes i just want to ask what can i fucking say to make you understand that i won’t judge someone for being an abuser?  do i have to spell it out for you?  for me?  is that it?  do i have to explain why i have so much possible insight into a*ron or how he might be feeling or what his motivations might be?  what i’m psychic?  well i am able to pick up stuff.  but the guesswork, the guesswork is guesswork from a basement somewhere.  can’t you see i don’t have the *luxery” of sympathizing with him?  that is for victims, for deniers, but not for abusers, reformed or no.

possession is the best drug, the best defense, the best distraction.  it is the control you never had, the love you never had, the safety you never had.  it is the only time things are when and like they should be.  recovery is spending a million fucking hours trying to get comfortable with things being upside down and redefining the idea of “right way up”.  possessing someone is just getting to put everything right side up.  just for a second.  it’s different.  it’s heady.  and you don’t give it up without a fight.

and you just, i guess you just can’t fucking get that if you aren’t close enough to those parts.  if you locked them up instead of the victims.  but it is honestly shocking to me.  but then again i don’t listen at my jail doors so who am i to judge or question or be shocked or whatever the fuck it is i am doing i am so scared i’m being bad.

possession is the fix.  not the process.  the end.  it is the good, it is the only time things are good.  it means everything is right side up for a second.  actually right side up.  not closer, not sideways, not like if you squint.  it is just right. side. up.

and upside down is even fucking worse then.  once you know right side up.  becuase they tell you you can’t have it.  but you can.  at a price.  and it’s a high one, depending on how you look at it.  but it is also the price of getting the ungettable and having the unhavable, so really there is no price too high. to make everything okay.  just for a minute.  i mean, woudln’t you?  if you could?  wouldn’t you?

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