i think it is really scary for us for m*riad to see a*ron

i think some of us really believe they are going to come back angry at us (or some of them will be) and not even know it.  and that really scares us.  like just how could they not be angry with us after seeing him?  we have made a false accusation against him that means we can never be around him without at least one non-m*riader.

those parts really do believe that’s why they didn’t invite us.  that it had something to do with the a*ron situation.  we just don’t understand because we have so few chances to play rock band now that we have to be even more careful, so we don’t understand why they wouldn’t invite us to one of the few times we *could* play. and some of us wonder if they were like protecting a*ron from us or something.

some of us think that they think of us not being alone w/ even them and a*ron is an over-reaction to a trigger.  which i have to admit really hurts, whether it’s true or not.  like to us it looks like they don’t take it seriously.  i mean i know they don’t believe the threat is real, but it’s like they don’t even support the not-seeing-him-alone rule.

i guess it just feels like parts of them are angry at us and we are scared to even ask about it but we are going to try because anger isn’t even necessarily scary when it’s out in the open.

we’re a scared girl.

plus this is super-triggering mom stuff about how she didn’t protect us from dad at all and even used us to help protect her.  i think that’s actually why we didn’t acknowledge what was going on for so long.  we so wanted to be a good girl, to not have any problems with a*ron, to be good enough, to get them to love us.

we think we realized that the “mexican wrestler” and “throw it all away” songs are for our mom, for her not loving us enough to protect us above her.  that she was everything for us and we were only a part of things for her.  that she used us and we were all hers.  that we could give her everything but that we were only a child so our everything wasn’t enough.  until we became an “adult” (old enough to co-parent) and really take some of the burden.  then she actually loved us but then we didn’t want it, we wanted to get away.  is that it?  is that the pattern?  can i finally figure it out so it doesn’t happen again and ruin another relationship?  i’m dating a guy so i hoped that’d be enough to put it off-course.

we know we are bad.  but this is helping us unearth some important mom issues, i think.  maybe even get more “concrete” info.  i don’t know.  i’m a bitch.

it is tough for us that m*riad doesn’t seem to want to protect us.  and i know they don’t even think of themselves as having protectors.  i guess it’s just triggering.  protection is very tied in with what love is in some of our minds.  so we’re working that.

we want to be good.  even last night i finally could see we didn’t want to say anything that might make them not love us.  i think we get triggered really quick into being a good girl in that situation.  like we are supposed to pretend like there’s nothing wrong with daddy and that it doesn’t mean anything when mommy asks us to spend time with him.  we’re suposed to be a good girl.  a good good girl.  we’re supposed to talk like mommy, like daddy’s not hurting us, like mommy’s not not protecting us.

i really had not gotten how much that had gotten triggered.  but i think we decided very early on that being a good girl involved not having any issues with a*ron cuz everyone else did and we were different and special and good.  we were a good girl.  woah, that so got triggered.  WOAH i did not get that at all.  wow.  i think we’re learning alot about our relationship with our mom back when we can’t remember anything (really most time pre-12).

wow we need to work on this.  okay, that’s what we’re talking about with kathy next time.  i totally knew there was something we needed to talk about but that we didn’t want to know about it.  and that’s why we talked talked and played music.  because the MAIN rule of being a good girl is you DONT talk about what you have to do to be a good girl.  that is a big part.  wow i’m glad we picked up on this.  i can definitely see how much it’s coming up now that i see it.

i could tell we were being kind of a “good girl” last night. not on purpose, but like our brain fogged over things that didn’t make sense to us or upset us that had to do with a*ron stuff, like the not inviting us one of the few times we could go.  like we could tell something bothered us, but it slpped away like a fish and it was black.  wow, so that’s kind of how that works.  we had to reprocess alot of it (other people did) after we left before we could get anywhere.  it’s like the analyzers weren’t there.  it was wierd.  which sucks because we feel somewhat off but like we can’t pinpoint it we just try to be good and don’t even know it.

OH MY GOD.  i bet every time we get into a mode where we are worried they are going to kick us out and get tired of us we are triggered into mommy-good-girl mode.  and we’re trying to be so good so they don’t.  woah.  woah.  wow we like lost that as soon as it came i’m glad we wrote it down.  people don’t want to believe that.

i think part of the secrets of the mode is that we don’t know when we’re in it.  there is a brain fog going on.  huh.  okay well at least there’s an idea here.

but like it feels like this a*ron thing is a big thing, both in what it means to me but especially what it means to m*riads and my relationship and i think soemtimes we feel like it’s the elephant puppeteer in the room and no one’s allowed to say anything.  but we think it causes a lot of reactions in both of us and sometimes i wish we could talk about em more.  wes gonna try.  but wes also want so much to be a good girl.


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