wes had a good talk with m*riads

and they told us about resentment and upset they’ve been feeling towards us and it was so… it was so great.  we started crying after and i think it was RELIEF.

god it is such a relief to have those feelings out in the open.  someone inside is crying so hard they are shaking with relief and happiness and gratefulness.

i don’t think there is anything scarier to us than hidden anger or resentment, particularly if it’s hidden from the person’s conscious mind.  it was

omigod this person is crying with happiness and relief.  to know that we are not crazy.  that we are not crazy.  that they get angry and resentful too.  that there is something THERE and we aren’t just making things up.  it is, it is the greatest relief.

i am so grateful to them and i bet in a million years they’d never believe it.  to let me even glimpse those parts.  to let me know they are out.  to let me know you are angry (tears up)

buildings fall apart and shoulders shake and everything rumbles and the sky opens and it is all blue

it made us feel so

SAFE

so safe

(she is rocking and crying and holding herself for getting to feel safe)  we only cry when it’s safe unless we are just so totally out of control or something.  we can’t even feel it until then.  and then it’s like we just fall apart with the release of it.

she said it.  she said she was mad at us.  she said she resented us.  she said we weren’t crazy and it was there and we weren’t crazy and it was there.  mommy gets angry too.  mommy gets angry to and it’s there and we’re not just bad.  we’re not.  she’s just mad.  see?  we aren’t bad.  mommy said we aren’t bad she just gets mad.

we we we we we    we were safe  it was safe  it was safe (smiles and sucks her thumb and curls up)  it was safe

thank you thank you thank you thank you

how do you thank someone who won’t believe you?

help help help they say and maybe it’s safe enough for us to hear them

cuz when it is anger we can know we is maybe not just so bad they hate us.  they is just angry.  that is safer.  not see anger can’t tell can’t do anythin don’t know try hard don’t know the rules gota be a good girl good.  gotta be a good girl good.

you know, i bet many of the things i get particularly triggered by m*riad doing are things i don’t let myself do.  i really do think the things that are hardest for us to accept in others are really a result of us not accepting it in ourselves.  so it looks so ugly and bad plus we’re resentful cuz we’re depriving ourselves.

but the thing is, we have to be ready for them to get triggered.  if we’re more honest and keep the pleasers in more.  cuz they probably will be.  and that doesn’t have to mean we’re bad.

i don’t know, it’s like if they get angry too then maybe WE aren’t bad for doin it.  and their anger isn’t a threat.  cuz when you don’t know it’s anger or aren’t sure it can feel like they hate you or don’t love you anymore and it’s confusing and you don’t know what’s going ON

(cries, same girl inside)  it is such a relief to acknowledge what’s going on.  it is such a relief to be able to get a hand hold on something.  thank god thank god thank god thank god.  i hope we don’t forget.  they get angry too.  they have angry parts too.  or resentful or whatever.  and it isn’t just that we’re so bad that we made someone who doesn’t get angry not love us cuz otherwise WHY would they act that way?  see how nice it is to know?  omigod thank you thank you tahnk you thank you.

(shoulders shake in relief relief relief)

if they is angry we is not failing they is just ANGRY.  cuz if someone never gets angry but then seems that way you must be failin big time.  big time.

oh thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god (someone inside did the sign of the cross what was THAT we did that like once as a mistake in fifth grade).

even now it slips away.  it as not real.  they were never angry.  we are just bad.  they were never angry.  they never were.  we were just bad.

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