OMIGOD!!!

how have i not put this together with how we’ve had borderliners out scared m*riad doesn’t love us or care about us anymore!!!!

how have i not put that together?  we are constantly striving for this love that clearly does not exist and i suspect may not exist anywhere but in bits and pieces attached to unhealthy things that aren’t worth it.

how can we both be striving for the other’s love and not winning it?  what the hell?  what the hell is that?

i guess maybe if we were striving for something we had labeled love but is actually something to fix the eternal sadness and loneliness.  maybe we are looking for “love” but we really mean something that will make us feel not alone and loved.

but the only way we’ve felt that has been with people who are enmeshed with us, the blurrier the lines the more we see it.

so that’s kind of a tuffy.

i guess i wonder if the problem is that we think we are striving for m*riad to love us but really we are striving to make them love us enough that we don’t feel alone.

but everyone is alone.  hence the only way to feel that way involves enmeshment, resulting from our mom treating us as part of her and loving as the specialest best part of her and just as part of her.  but we are not a part of m*riad.  some of us resent that the healthiness of our relationship could actually be causing hurt.  that’s so fucked up.

i guess i wonder if what i am feeling when i think i have failed again to win their love is just the real loneliness and emptiness left from my own trauma.  real stuff that i need to feel.  and maybe m*rioad can help alleviate that a bit or just be nearby sometime, but if they take it away it’s really not healthy.  so “love” as i am seeking is not really healthy.

maybe we are just lonely and hurting.  and that is the truth.  like in the dispossessed.  and maybe we are looking for love to get rid of that and deciding we are unloved when it doesn’t.  maybe it is just to painful to admit the loneliness and pain.  wierd stuff.

and maybe we just have to fucking feel and maybe that is the worst fucking thing of all.  i’d definitely rather be trying to be good enough so i wouldn’t have to feel it than feel it.  that’s for fucking sure.

it’s like i want them not to trigger me or whatever but like isn’t that just revealing the pain that exists?  how can we possibly have intimacy without hurt both of us have so much hurt in us?  if hurt is revealed does that mean it shouldn’t have happened?  i don’t know, someone’s being philosophical here.

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