wow, this may be one of the worst nights in a while

we went to m*riad’s with a*ron after getting dinner after his final and then a*ron and i took the bus back and m*riad was taking a bath and they stayed naked and were cuddling with a*ron and it was just like, i don’t know, very triggering for us, but we really couldn’t say ti and when we finally admitted we were triggered we said we’d leave, which we should have done.  because it was all just awful until m*riad kicked us both out and i guess we’re stupid we thought we’d maybe get a little time with m*riad or something and we were hinging out a bit after a*ron left and they were like joking and were like “when i said i wanted to kick everybody out i didn’t just mean a*ron i meant everybody”

and we just felt so alone and stupid so we of course just acted like we knew that and tried to keep our crying undfer control.  but it showed a little anyway and they tried to give us a little hug, but realized that would hurt more, because a little m*riad niceness and comfort and support, just enough to break the shell and leave us sobbing on the way home, is really worse than nothing you see.

i don’t know.  i guess i thought they’d offer us a little support or like want to spend a little time with us.  whatever.  we’re stupid.  we just felt really sad and scared and alone and then they wanted us out and we felt awful.  we feel awful.

it just sucked, they were all supportive when a*ron was there an encouraging us to talk but there is no way we could, and we thought.  i don’t know what we thought.  it was just awful after all the bad feelings from them being like naked and cuddly and like it was just we didn’t understand how we weren’t supposed to be uncomfortable.  like we really felt like we should leave.  we really did.  it’s really scary somehow.  we just need to be more honest about that with ourselves.  i shouldn’t have come up to their apartment if i was in such a.  i felt like hanging out, but i need to be smart about these things.  i want to not be triggered but i am.

maybe we just need to accept that the a*ron-m*riad dynamic is one we have to be in a good place to handle and take care of ourselves.

it was just so sad when they kicked us out.  we thought it was both of us but then weren’t sure and didn’t want to ask m*riad in front of a*ron either way, cuz he might feel bad or else we’d be embarassed.  it just, the joke really hurt.  it was just like: get out.  it was like ice water and now we just want to die.  we want to die and we want to hurt ourselves

god and the worst thing was the like hope that they weren’t kicking us out. and being wrong.  it was horrible and i feel so alone.  i felt so alone and now i geel even more alone.  i don’t know why i ever even get close.  i want to die and never wake up i want to die i do i want to die.

they just really wanted us to go. and it hurt alot.  we felt so outside.  we feel so outside.  it’s fine.  i want to die.  it’s fine.

it kind of felt like we didn’t matter the whole time.  like they and a*ron were going to do whatever they wanted either way and i really thought i should leave and i should have i should have i should have. like our discomfort didn’t matter.  and they’d ask us about it, but asking us in front of someone else is the same thing as telling us to tell you everything is fine.

i probably should have just left.  they have a dynamic with a*ron and i can’t expect them to act certain ways just cuz i’m there. and i wouldn’t want them to be constrained.  i guess i just wanted them to care.  and i guess if i needed that care or support i should have left.

i want to die.  i do.  i want to die.  i feel so lonely.  it felt so lonely beyond everything else.  the stuff with a*ron felt lonely cuz it was like i was this third wheel god i should hhave left.  i am so fucking jealous of people who don’t feel the need to like make sure everyone feels supported and shit.  so fucking jealous.  i want to die.

i don’t know.  i guess i thought they’d reassure us or want to talk to us about it a little or something.  i don’t know.  i am so stupid.  i want to die i do.  i want to hurt myself and i might do that.  i should have just left.  i shouldn’t get in that situation.  i shouldn’t.  i am nowhere CLOSE to good enough at defending my boundaries and taking care of myself.  and i can’t expect m*riad to do it for me.  so i need to accept i’ll have to miss out on things.

i want to die.  i feel so alone and unloved.  they must not love us at all.  iguess that was pretty clear the hwole night.  that they don’t love us and just want us to go.  when they were all whatever with a*ron i kind of thought maybe they were trying to tell me that and i even asked pointblank if i should leave with some excuse to make it less stark but they said no.  but i probably should of for myself.  i am so embarassed about being triggered. plus i get triggered thinking about what will happen after i leave. i want to die.  i want to die.

maybe 3-person dynamics with extensive history in any pair are generally not a good idea.  i didn’t get why a*ron didn’t want me to leave, unless he thinks he’s going to get us involved in some way and i’m sorry that is just not happening

i don’t know i want to die.  i feel so alone.  i should have left.  i feel so alone.

i think maybe i thought that since it’s m*riad’s place i would feel less upset and it helps but still doesn’t erase everything.  i don’t know.  it was all really wierd.

it was just tough because they noticed we were triggered and kept looking at us with support and stuff while a*ron was here and then they just kicked us both out. and i guess i thought they loved us more than that or something.  i know it’s stupid fuck you.

it’s just parts of us are like why be nice if you’re going to take it away?  isn’t that a trap?  i want to die i do i want to die.

god that was so awful that was all so awful.  wow.  that was all so awful.

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