god i am such a loser

first i get so triggered by m*riad seeing a*ron that i basically start crying when it happens, then i get all sad because they can’t tell me about it.  which makes total SENSE and is that i’d do, i just, i hate being someone they have to keep things from.  even if it’s omission.  but i guess we all keep things from everyone.  i still hate myself.  i want to be someone they can tell everything to.  because i am an idiot and a jerk.

i really do hate myself.  i want to be everything for them and that is NOT POLY and it is BAD and we are bad.

and i kjnow it’s the broderlines, cuz the rest of us or some of us know we don’t want that at all and we’d feel suffocated.  sometimes i think we make sure to be poly to curb and monogomous impulses any of us have.  particualrly the borderliners who are just so scared of being unloved and losing someone important and being rejected and get jealous of everything.

i feel bad because i think my*riad is definitely better at being poly than we are.  we are not particualrly good at handling our jealousy, especailly again the borderliners, but we’re trying to learn to be honest.  it is so shameful to be less poly than they or feel like we aren’t as good or are more threatened by it – eeven tho that is exactly what we want- than they are.  it is shameful to feel threatened and scared and want them to love only us sometimes.  it is bad and wrong.  they  never feel that way.  so we shouldn’t.  we are bad.

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