but what if the people had guns?

and could shoot her? mow her down with bullets driving by or through the window or roof or floor of their apartment building.  what if she couldn’t get away?  then wouldn’t you be rooting for her not to find out the information?  to save her lide?  wouldn’t that be the actual goal?

help help help i’m scare i’m scared please help me i’m scared

bad girl pretty girl bad girl brat girl hurt girl die girl theteres and the big space age conference center mall place in my dreams

help i’m scared please help me please help me please help me

for a while with noreen i was having these dreams where i would have accidentally found out this really important information and then like these 2 guys would be chasing me or a lot and it was always an official place like a business or like a government place or a sherrif’s station.  noreen thought i was maybe hiding the info from myself and getting upset at myself for finding out.  or maybe my family.

but i always spent the rest of the movie i mean dream hiding, trying to get past guards and not look suspicious, trying to pass for someone else.  it’s funny that’s how i feel around police even when i’m not doing anything illegal.  i have so many dreams where i am either almost or actually caught in possession or just spend the whole dream trying not to be.  it’s wierd.

but it’s like information i’m not supposed to have and didn’t mean to but now that i do i have to die.  which i guess is somewhat relevant to what i’m talking about here.  i thinkj insiders get exasperated when we don’t just listen to what they have to say and we demand a logical reason or some explanation of why it’s relevent.  that is so RIDICULOUS.

for me it all depends on the scenario.  how much power i’m willing to take.  how much power i can take, what the threat is to me.  if i have no control then that’s it and i switch into that mindset no hope come what will can’t fight try to be good.  but if i have enough i can fight back.  if i have all of it then i need to be sure i’m not hurting anyone.  like a big bear that accidentally claws people i am stupid and ugly

i know i am i am.  i know i am i am i know i am i am it is cold again cold cold turn up the heat turn it up cold on the right i am crazy everything is crazy we aren’t safe like in the dreams when it’s like a war but not but everything is unsafe horrible things happeneing no control just fear can’t protect self everyone around is scared like a natural disaster or an invasion and it is everyone for themselves because i can’t find e*a

we miss e*in sometimes, particularly lately.  i don’t know.  she was really funny, and caring, and the sex was really really good.  we’ll put up with a *lot* for that. and honestly we didn’t put up that much with her.  (sighs).  i don’t know, we miss her.

this is so pathetic but in this wierd way e*in was like this perfect girlfriend and friend at least in some of our minds and it wasn’t like that but we can do selective erasure and the bright moments were particualrly bright.  maybe that’s why i look for charming people so i can erase everything but the best and then it’s just a question of making the best even better even if the worst becomes much worse as a result.

which i guess is a general issue in our life, w ehadve a tendancy to erase everything but the stuff that makes us look best so then we care only about making that stuff ever.  rather than all the time, all of us,  all the non-best non-smooth non-perfect non-entertainging things we do.  i don’t know.  i’m stupid.

i just know if i were good enough he would love me and i just wish i was.  i guess that is our mantra.


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