when i was in college, i used to get “depressed”

which was this sudden intense sadness and loneliness that hurt my chest and made me feel crazy.  it happened when i was with my roommates and i would leave and go outside far away ito the night and scream

it happened at social things with lots of people when i felt left out (which was often)

it was awful.  we got anfry (inside) and just felt *insane* and we couldn’t tell anyone because it was obviosly crazy and bad to feel this way.  it used to happen a lot.  i guess that’s kind of how it is with pink, or the borderliners, or ferillia or whatever, they often focus on one person, it used to be s*ef.  we were *so* jealous of stef.  especially because she was so much more socially adept and was always the center of things sociallyy and we wanted to be.

e*in was in our dream last night.  that wierd thing where she acts like maybe she wants to get back together.  whatever.  like we care.

there’s just this like: i’m all alone, nobody loves me, everyone is out having a good time without me.  ugh.  i hate it.

well the others hate it.  that’s just how i feel.

we hate matt and we know he doesn’t love us (oooooh, that made the bigs MAAAAAD).  whatever, we don’t care.  it’s not *our* job to be good.

so we’re going to write whatever we want and be bad.  we hate matt.  we hate him and he doesn’t love us.  we hate him and we hate that he went to group without us (even tho we REALLY did not want him to skip oh GOD when we’re in pain like that we need to be alone) we haate that he had a good time and did the stuff WE wanted to do we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we want to die

we hate it and we are sad and alone and no one loves us and we want to die and we’ll be alone forever forever forever forever foreever forever forever forever

we hate matt.  we hate him because we love him and miss him and know he didn’t love us or miss us because he had too much fun doing what WE wanted to do.  it’s not fair it’s not FAIR (stamps on ground).  stupid matt.  why we always pick one person focus like that what is that?

it better fucking help to write about these things because it fucking sucks to acknowledge them.  it had better. fucking. help.

we are just sad and alone and we hate missing things that are fun that other people go to.  we hate missing out like that we just do it makes us sad.

i want to die.  the bigs will have a cow about this.  fuck them.  it’s so not our problem.  fuck them and they’re trying to look good bullshit where does that get us anyway?  i want to die.

the dream.  there was definitely a dorm and a dorm room and the ra or someone was like i could sleep here if your mom doesn’t need to but i said no my mom could keep staying in my room.  i am going to kill someone.

i am.  i am going to kill someone.  i am.  i am going to kill someone.

AHHH i can’t believe i missed group!!!  i didn’t get to hear people’s share or do mine!!  dammit dammit dammit!  i don’t know how to handle missing something that would have been good for me i don’t know how to do it i need to make up for it i need to make up for it

this is a big thing with me and eva (and mom i’m sure) that if we lose out on something (often monetarily), we have to “make it up” so we didn’t like lose anything.  it’s wierd.  we can’t have lost anything.  we just can’t.  i can’t have lost anything or lost out on anything.  i just can’t.  mom emphasizes that alot.  can’t can’t can’t.  can’t can’t cna’t.  can’t lose out on anything.

can’t come out behind.  can’t lose anything can’t lose out on anything.  can’t.  it is UNACCEPTABLE.  it is too much.  too much grief i can’t.  i can’t.  it has to come out even or better.  it has to be better this way it ALWAYS has to be better this way it does or it is unbareable can’t have lost out can’t have lost anythign can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t i will die i will die i will die if that’s the case i will die i will die. dorms at boston college

we have so little in our life, group is one of the few tangible things we do.  it is really the only tangible thing we do.  i fucking hate ourselves i want to die i want to die

this had better fucking HELP that is all i can say it had better fucking help. cuz i’m not doing this touchy feely crap if it isn’t going to help and i’m not going to be weak unless it will definitely make me stronger fuck that i’m not a fucking baby i’m not some fucking weak person who needs people to take care of their emotions i am fucking strong and alone and i don’t need fucking anybody so back the fuck off

seriously.  we don’t need anybody.  we don’t fucking need anybody.  people who do are so weak, so pathetic, so disgusting, and so worthless.  we’re nothing like that.  we are NOTHING like that.

i am going to kill myself.

yep.  i think that will handle it all nicely.  yep.  time. to. die. (brigs room in the triple).


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