do you know what i hate?

i haate that i am too fucking scared to fucking even hear the sounds of happy people because excited or angry they all scare me i am too fragile.  and i am so ashamed.  so ashamed because i am supposed to be better than that.  i am supposed to be stronger.  i am not weak and i do not fail.  i was out at m*riads i mean a*rons or someone was who was more together and well butch actually tho we tried not to let that show because how much do we NOT do that well and you do not do things you don’t do well and anyway we wouldn’t want to be anyway and we don’t care anyway.

but we is so scared today.   so scareded don know why don know but so scared.  we is all together out the house but here wes fall apart.  i don’t know we is so scared don’t know why maybe people closin in maybe somthin else maybe somthin with eva maybe who knows stupid bitch is a bad girl bad girl

umumum  bigs is so mad we can’t be together and be with the happy people and be strong like that we is so weak and so stupid and so bad we is supposed to be BETTER than that bigs can’t even hangle thinkin bout it cuz they is so upset they get resentful they is angry kindof so they block it away like granite

umumum helphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelp someone is saying that or we feel it or whateevr u  dib;t know we want to die we do we can’t do this we can’t we honestly can’t i’m sorry that’s just it

help i’m scared.  i guess that sums it up.  i am getting flashes of lots of dreams but they are like peripheral vision stuff that disappears when you look at it.  that is the story of all information for us.  it makes it very difficult to explain anything we are thinking unless we’ve already verbalized it in our head. blah stupid bitch.

we is so scared.  i don’t know.  maybe something big is coming.  it feels like pure terror.  we get dizzy and nauseous if we connect to directly.  it was nice to get away tonight.  and the bonus is that with the terrified ones come the outer shells of those more in control, enter the elizabethean subset i saw tonight.  who was *really* different and totally got defensive about aeron trying to help which we *never* do and wouldn’t eat the pommegranet seed out of his hand but took it with our hand cuz those parts can do that.  i remember college now.  how different it was.  how much less threatened we felt outside of our relationship, tho very sexually and emotionally threteaned within.  whatever.  we could set better boundaries.  we didn’t flirt all the time.  we just, we were different.  we didn’t present ourselves secually at all.  i don’t know.  i miss that.

so it was nice to have these parts out.  i guess sexully is the wrong word.  i mean like as sexually avail;able or something.  i don’t know.  it’s wierd and we are bad.

tho lots cramp pain but maybe we is bout get the period we are definitely due i think

but like, i don’t know, i remembered what that time was like for *them*. cuz when we remember college it’s like scaary and stuff but that’s cuz WE were scared but they weren’t really it was fun for them.  but even they couldn’t handle all the people and they HATED themselves for it. they are supposed to be better than that.

i want to die.  says someone. wow we are so scared i can’t bellieve it.  or some of us are.  it is crazy.  it is like pure terror.  i cannot imagine what it is.  and when i try i’m wrong (or so it feels).

help i’m scared.  help i’m scared.  help i’m scared.  help i’m scared.  help i’m scared.  help i’m scared.  help i’m scared.  help i’m scared.  help i’m scared.

the thing about my mom was she took the craziest and most horrible things and made them funny and treated them like they were cool and not shameful.  so they never seemed like abuse.  i don’t know.  it’s wierd.  like when mary (step-grandma) bought us those bustier tops and eva was like 7 and it was a red leather bustier.  whatever that wasn’t abuse i don’t know what i’m saying.

help i’m scared. help i’m scared.


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