barely – just barely – made it out of

m*r**d’s place w/o crying.  it feels like college, it feels like high school.  it feels like when you’re in a relationship and the other person is on their way to losing interest in you and it makes us so scared we almost go crazy and there is nothing else nothing else to make it okay.  there is nothing else in our life.  nothing else but this person.

and it reminds me so much of high school. with sarah. sitting quietly just hoping for some bit of affection or assurance that she loved us.  like with erin.  and we can’t see anything else or think anything else and there are 2 modes:

–  crying about how he is stopping loving us we can tell and how we are going to die

–  a surface layer that is much more distant (obviously), thick walls because at all costs are we to keep the crying inside

we are not interacting *really* – listening *really. we are just thinking love me love me love me why don’t you love me? and we know that all this just drives him further away we know.  but what the fuck are we supposed to do?  maybe we should just excuse ourselves when we get like that because clearly it isn’t actually fixable by him or something we should expect him to fix.  

it is AWFUL having such particualr and personal feelings.  i can’t even explain how pathetical i feel.  i feel like i am *t*f, watching as my girl/boyfriend moves on, has moved on already.  while i am still not over them.  i can see them moving on to their new life without me.  

i swear to god they even look different to us.  it reminds us of changes we saw with erin.

i don’t know what to do with these parts.  i don’t freaking know what to do.  and all they want is for him to make it better and they don’t see anything else.  it is awful  it is awful.

it’s like i can just see him drifting away, leaving us.  i can see it happening and there’s nothing i can do but try not to cry.  i spend more and more time doing that.  we have to keep so much distance to do it.  but there’s no other way.


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