Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

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plus

we got all triggerred last nigth cuz m*riad basically told us that they were doing *us* a favor by letting us go with them to therapy and plus they already told us it’s like we’re not there cuz we don’t talk enough.  it is so embarassing cuz i thought we were really helping and trying [...]

who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have [...]

idea for why e*a is so concerned about our safety lately

she is getting close to memories that trigger feelings that i am not safe or that i will need to kill myself.  a smart safety mechanism.  and would also explain a bit all the dreams i have about ee*a’s safety.
things are tough here.  lots of things coming up.  i try to remind myself it’s been [...]

it’s because she is still seeing mom

she is still seeing her.  she is the favorite.  she is the channel for her energy.  i am picking it up off of e*a.  i swear if she weren’t talking to her it would be different.  but i guess she’d be in a different place but she is on that side not conscoiously but the [...]

i think we need to hurt ourselves to make it better

i just don’t see any other way.  that is the only way to make it better.
it does help to write it.  but i just don’t understand how else to deal with it besides letting it out and making things right.  because then if i AM bad i was punished so it’s better everything’s okay and [...]

sometimes i think my mom just tried to build in safeties

like she made us petrified of death, made it clear that it would kill her if we died, and basically i think tried to hardwire us against killing ourselves.
and i think she did the same thing with cutting or self-abuse.  we are petrified of marring our skin with a scar.  like we can’t do that, [...]

it turns out we didn’t have an appt with kathy

which means we made it up.  and brought our guitar to play and hurt our neck so we are double stupid and bad.  we are having a lot of impulses:

to hurt ourselves for being so stupid and for wanting to cry
to cry and be comforted
to shut the fuck up because we are stupid for feeling [...]