i have no idea whether this is apprpriate or not

but m*riads told me once that the only (best?) defense they had was to tell and tell and tell.  and so in that vein… i guess if it’s inappropriate i’ll find our and decide what to do from there.

so here is what i think.  i think that a lot of parts of a*ron that used to be out are locked inside.  i think they’ve been locked away for a while.  i think the part or part(s) that is keeping them locked away is doing anything and everything in his/their power to maintain that.  i think that part is very strong.  i think that part is very smart.  i do *not* meet people who are as skilled at manipulating as i am, certainly who are not also more comfortable using it in extreme and risky ways.  i do *not* meet people who have the ability to access other parts and use them to best mimic another person’s thought process and what would appeal to them.  i am impressed, perhaps above all else.

but i do think those parts are trapped.  and i don’t think they can get out while he/they is this strong.  and i think he is trapped too, whether he knows it or not.  i think the labrinth is beautiful and glamorous and relies on never seeing.  i think the songs could be about something else.

but what do i know?  i guess i think i have held the crystal ball myself and i recognise the sleight of hand.  now.  but even i am easily hypnotized.  which is why i really can’t be in contact.  it would take someone as skilled as me to fool me.  i think he is strong.

those are the things that i think.  i think i am a threat to him now that i see at least part of what’s going on.  i think that is the biggest and only real threat to the labrinth.  but it is only me.  and i was at best a side project, and probably just a bonus and perhaps someone to shore up support or at least not be an obstacle.  i don’t know really.  it is too bad i can’t talk to him.  that i am not strong enough, not aware enough or in control enough of my triggers.  it’s too bad they don’t make babel fish for that.

lots of body pains with our period but they are up up.  we sleep almost on our stomache now, which is super bad for our back.  we need to get adjusted.  we need to do a lot of things.

i also think that actively exploring these thoughts is an important part of my defense.  and that i am getting much more pain from my sides around my stomache and don’t know what’s going on.  what is going on??

help help help help says someone inside

this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.

okay.  so this is not an entry i want to write.  i am writing it on protest.  my protest has beenc carried, motion to dismiss motion denied okay.  so we don’t want to talk about this.  have we established that yet?  i really want to make sure it is established.

okay, so here we are talking about this thing we don’t want to talk about.  yep.  here we are.  just talkin and talkin about it.  just being so open with everyone aren’t we wonderful?

i think we probably have been a little superior around m*riad.  not because we are, but because we aren’t.  isn’t that always how it works.  and this isn’t even what we don’t want to talk about.  this is what we’d *Rather* talk about than that.  so let’s see admitting we are wrong check ….  hmmmm what else.

we started our period today.  so that is, um, awesome.  and then we got totally triggered and fell asleep.  it was our period.  we started it when we went travelling with grandma.  she said she would and she was right.

and none of this is the stuff we don’t want to talk about.

alright.  so here it is.  i think we have girl sub parts that want very much to be dominated and possibly hurt.  and i think we keep them locked up for the most part and i think we also have other parts selecting people to sleep with who they percieve as not being dangerous in this way at all.  so even if the parts want to they can try all they want and get nowhere.  i think they pick people who don’t want that kind of power dynamic with us like what the guy in labrinth said where the person submits their will to yours.  i think i try not to pick people like that.

and then i thought what if i made a mistake?  and someone i picked had those parts and they could be brought to the surface and we did and then we just got locked into it and addicted to it until it was woven into the fabric of our lives (who the fuck wrote that?)

anyway, i was thinking that those parts would see the relationship as this special thing that they had created and was like theirs.  and like for them it would be this amazing perfect love and i was thinking about how could i ever give that up or see it otherwise?

i guess i was thinking that there was nothing anyone could say to me.  and a

and honestly a fair amount of stuff of this was true of my mom and much more with my mom.

but like those parts couldn’t be convinced not to feel that way.  that just is.  something would have to come that would be bigger than that.  for us, that was e*in who brought out parts that were like related to parts or made space for parts that were scared out of their mind of s*ef.  it was odd, the other parts never went away.  it was just like these other parts came out and they were *Way* louder.

and still s*ef left us.  she decided she couldn’t deal with us basically avoiding her completely and being pretty angry with her and crazy and stuff.  s*ef didn’t have access to those parts enough to draw them out past the upset and scared ones.

once we got scared of s*ef it never stopped.  still hasn’t.  those parts are in absolute fear.  frozen.

but still s*ef left us.  i don’t know if we e*er could have actually left her.

basically we just became so scared of her that we couldn’t be around her at all it drove us insane.

i think in some ways we were scared because we had to be to not just do whatever she wanted to make her happy.  because that’s all we had to do and then she loved us unconditionally and then she loved us so much.  and we *could* do it and it wasn’t that hard at all. and then it was.  wow lots of random shoooting body pains um that is odd.

it was easy and then it was almost impossible now.  the scared parts are out in such full force around her.  again, i think this is the only defense we have.  the thick wall.  we can’t talk to her we can’t email her because we will ffeel like we need to save her we will feel her pain.

i mean i guess s*ef almost begged us to get back together.  or something.  after we broke up she came up to my room and cried and i sat with her and sympathized because i knew i was the bad guy.  but i couldn’t take it away.  when i lost that ability with her i lost it and there was no turning back.  in some ways i think s*ef used everything she could she just didn’t have the right keys.  to get past the scared ones.  the caretakers and such could not be called out with so much fear around.  it was wierd.  whatever.  anyway.

still none of this is really what i was supposed to write about.  though it is tangential.

really what happened was e*in called up or reached or jumpstarted or brought forward or whatever all these parts that couldn’t deal with s*ef i think.  and they like just freaked out when they came out and exploded and it was like shock waves of fear emanating from us.

basically they made it intolerable to be around s*ef at all.  so that was just that.  we can’t stand it and have to avoid.  avoid avoid it is nice to have that as really you’re only defense mechanism.  it is effective.  i’m not talking to s*ef or my mom.  i mean how many people can say that?  i mean of course there are the downsides of just cutting people out of your life all the time and kind of starting over: loss of support, instability, barrier to intimacy, blah blah blah.  but still.

the thing is that while adults got along with s*ef.  i think the people who really loved her were kids.  so they were the only ones who *could* be around her.  but they were also the ones who got really hurt by her (in addition to all the love which by far outwieghed it for them).  it seemed a very small price to pay for them.  i don’t know.  they still think that.

it’s like they went away or soemthing or were kept away from s*ef by the scared parts.  because seriously there are parts who were happy to do things to make her happy but they just weren’t around anymore it was just the angry ones who looked like they weren’t.  i don’t know who knows i don’t remember?

and still none of this is what i didn’t want to write about.  shocker.

i guess in some ways what happened is the walls came down and the people who were angry at s*ef and scared of her came out and they .  and really we could only do it because we had this unhealthy obsession and relationship with e*in to take it’s place in a lot of ways.  if we hadn’t, i’m sure we’d still be with s*ef.

i don’t know.  still off-topic.  at least somewhat.

i was really lucky.  s*ef had a lot of resources socially and stuff.  though emotionally i still think not.  and i think the social stuff masks it and that scares because i don’t know if she’ll ever deal with it.  i don’t know how anyone grows without crisis.  we certainly don’t.  all major change in our life has come kicking and screaming because we didn’t have a fucking choice in the fucking matter.

when i am around s*ef i sense an equal or like not clearly unequal amount of pain to a*ron.  who i use as a basis for comparison because i don’t know if i have met anyone with the exception of my mother who i sense such psychic pain from.  s*ef has a lot of resources, at least she has the ability to *think* she is happy (how condescending is that, you bitch).  she has enough to distract is what i am really saying.  it is funny.  that’s better, right?  to have the resources to distract?

because sometimes i am so thankful that we don’t anymore, at least not to the level we did.  because we just, we use them. we use whatever we can, less so now but still even now

we’re supposed to want to be happier?  to be in the least amount of pain right?  we’re supposed to want that for other people?  for them to escape their pain as much as possible?  for us to help?  that is our job yes?  i mean isn’t it?  right?

it is cruel to want someone to experience their pain, or stop distracting from it.  it is cruel and selfish.  because i would never want that for myself.  so it must be cruel and selfish.  who looks at their pain unless they absolutely fucking have to?  not me.

i guess that kind of means it’s cruel to expect my other parts to just come out and experience their pain so i can be over it and healed.  i guess it’s hard to ask people to go through that.  especially if i’m not ready to provide them support.

sometimes when i am with m*riad i think i get very close to myself and sometimes i think i get very far and i wonder why those happen.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to be awake at 4:53am or whatever the fuck it is who the fuck cares not me.

and still none of this is really directly actually revealingly what i want to talk about.

what i wanted to talk about was that we actually have a lot of rape fantasies.  that just is what it is.  it’s true and it is how we get off when we are by ourselves for the most part and we write our own internal movies/stories using whatever we’ve picked up that we like.

we are never the victim.

okay, that is not true.  but those people are not fucking talking right now becuase the fact that we are even admitting that is a huge liability.

we are actually not the abuser for the most part.  but we would rather admit to that than .  and really you have to identify with one more than the other right?  and so if we have to choose we pick the abuser.  tho it’s touch for parts that say this makes us look bad but likewhatever.  it’s always a choice.  be bad or weak. bad or weak.  bad or weak.  pick one.

we actually just kind of make up little movies that are kind of they have some like written description sometime.  it’s not fully a movie or a story.  anyway, that is mostly how we get off.

and i*igo said something cool about how hearing about something can be hotter than actually doing it.  like the *idea* can be hotter than the thing itself.

i’m not sure why that made us happy but it did.

it was like we hadn’t considered that there might be a difference between thought an action.  or like that thought could actually be more satisfying than action in certain ways

and i wonder a little if like part of being an abuser is that the action is more satisfying than the thought.  simulation is much worse than reality.  i don’t know.  i’ve been thinking alot about what makes an abuser.  or like what characteristics there might be to those parts or to people where those parts manifest fully (or close to) outside.  which i guess goes along with that action versus thought.

i guess i just always thought that thought was like a prelude or like an incomplete without action.  which is CRAZY because i have spent forever lecturing people on how different thought and action are.

especially because a part of the thought is wishing it COULD be action.  so obviously action would be better right?

and it occured to me what if it *seemed* like action would be better but that was part of the thought, and part of what made it satisfying was wanting *more* of something without actually having it because having it would actually make you feel awful.  but a component of this is *feeling* like you want it to actually happen.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wird.  i think you’re wierd.  well i think YOU’RE wierd.

i guess like we know with those unspeakables we know that thought is better than action.  that is less true in other areas though.  and we just really don’t let them out unless it is perfectly safe or whatever.  wouldn’t it be wierd if you thought it was safe and then you built this whole world and then you realized too late you were trapped in it?  how could you know while it was happening?

i just thought it was a cool idea that the thought of something could be hotter than the thing itself.  even though i know i know that.  and have applied that.  somehow i hadn’t applied it here or something.  like i wasn’t taught it applied here.  like i thought the only way a thought would be hot is if it were based on basically the same action.  if it were kind of an echo, whose worth comes only from it’s reminder of the event.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wierd.  i don’t know.  i don’t fucking know anything.

aren’t you always supposed to want your desires to be fulfilled?  isn’t that what happiness is?  it’s odd to me to imagine it actually being pleasurable *not* to do that.  even though i think that is very much how i set up my life.  i tend to pick people who are at least somewhat out of the question i always want things i can’t have.  why didn’t i see it here?  why can’t i see it here?

it just seems like the happiest thing in the world is giving someone exactly what they want.  right?  though i guess that very often doesn’t go well for us.  but still isn’t that what you’re supposed to try to do if you’re good?  how can wanting be good?  how can it not be worse and horrible.

i guess there is the idea that what people want can actually hurt them.  and while that doesn’t give you the right to get in their way, it also means that denying them isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  it might be a neutral thing.  which doesn’t make sense cuz that’s not how they see it and what they see it matters.

the idea of denying people what they want as a neutral thing is CRAZY to me.  but like, i guess that’s what that would mean.  if what people want isn’t necessarily and often is not better for them, than isn’t it not necessarily and often not a positive thing to do it?  not that it’s a negative.  but what if it isn’t either?  isn’t that crazy?  that is crazy. that’s definitely crazy.

it is always wrong to deny people what they want and need.  it is always bad and selfish and it is youor responsability to give it.

but what if it isn’t?  what if it isn’t bad.  or good.  or anything.  it just is.  it’s neutral and you could argue it 7 ways til sunday (who keeps writing that?) and prove it’s anything but really it’s nothing it just is.

and if that were true than really it would just matter what was best for me or okay for me or like i could consider it.

if it really were neutral.  which it isn’t.  because that is crazy.  because they don’t see it as neutral.  and people are in SO MUCH PAIN when you deny them what they need.  you can’t do that.  that is cruel.

bitch bitch bitch you make up these lies to let yourself tell lies to yourself about how you are not selfish and wrong and bitchy and horrible but you are you are and you know it and you know who you owe and what you owe them and you will never escape you will never escape

labrinth is one of the best movies about healing i’ve seen.  i love the faces that are just like “beware!” “go back!” “you are in grave danger!” and the guy is just like, don’t mind them, they have to say that.  and hten they aren’t so scary.  they just have to say that.  i don’t know.  somehting about what the goblin king says.  submit and i’ll give you everything.  and everything is so glittery and cool and sexy and she isn’t.  how could she give that up?

unhappiness is such a small price.  such a small price.  such a small price.  to get away from the loneliness.

but it is all distraction.  even the unhappiness is part of it.  it is all a distraction it is all a crystal ball and smoke and mirrors that look so much better than the real thing.

but it is such a small price, isn’t it?  it seems small to me.

i would just like to say, for the record,

that clearly i am treating m*riad like my mother whom i need to save or they’ll leave me. i just want to say that at least some of us are aware of that and trying to keep it in mind. i know it affects us and i know it makes us too reliant on their “well-being” or whatever and that is too much pressure. so we need to try to back off that. but at the same time we want to offer support. i don’t know, we have trouble with moderation and sometimes i think we get lost and are just the little girl trying to save mommy so she won’t leave her. so yeah. plus there is something wierd with the sensitivity in my right finger tips and really as if you traced a line around it to make a hand print, there is wierd feelings almost like being cut or like something being laid open. i don’t know. i am insane and bad and insane.
and i am really going to try to make that what i talk about with kathy on monday. also why am i not sleepy. wierd stuff is happening like witches and cauldrens and it is almost xmas time it is almost xmas time it is almost xmas time and the witch laughs. xmas 2004

i am sad and small and scared

i know i am a bad girl.  i know that for sure.  i know i am bad very bad and scared.  i know things are not safe and not what they appear to be.  i know that no one is safe.  i know that i am not safe.  i know that i don’t know things and i know some of those things may be important.  i know no one cares.  i know i am alone.  i know i am bad and hated.

i think some of us think that m*riad must really hate us.  for various reasons.  because our pleasers are so unsuccessful and actually make things worse.  it is so shameful to write that.  it is so shameful.  for other reasons too. that have to do with a*ron and i can’t quite explain.

maybe i should explain about me and a*ron.  i know a*ron cuz he is m*riads ex who they used to live with up until soon after.  so now they live in our building.  we still see a*ron with m*riads.  um, he does stuff we do not agree with with m*riads and that upsets us.  and we told him.  and he wrote sumthin back thats a secret so can’t say it.  anyways we is tryin help get him to counselor.

but also he is like um on the bus once when wes alone cuz we tries never be he told us this stuff bout how he learned make multiple gotta do this stuff and trance and put im in a freezer til almost die take em out they love you forever want please you never die not a fear thing as much you are a saviour you are the one who takes away the pain and also how put m*riads in and out of trance.  so yeah.  they showed it on us maybe we tranced a little i don’t know.  it was wierd.  we are wierd and people yell we must be making this up.

i think it is tough for us that m*riad can’t be more of a support on this.  like obviously it’s super complicated and that makes sense but i guess it hurts a little for those who can’t get that and they just wish they would protect us.  butt there are so many parts and we are not dating the vast majority of them and they have their own ways of doing things and their own perspectives.  but it hurts still a little that it seems like maybe they aren’t that concerned for us or something.

i don’t know.  i think we wish for protectors.  like we told j*ga and like billie came out and like was like so mad and wanted to kill a*ron.  and it made us kind of happy a littlee, like it makes us smile even now.  and i KNOW we are bad to make comparisons but we do it anyway because we are so bad.

i guess it’s just been hard to realize that m*riad is really no more stable than we are.  or no more in control.  or something.

i don’t know.  some of us want them to be mad and like want to protect us and like take care of us and stuff and we KNOW they can’t cuz they have other stuff going on and this means lots of stuff for them and it is VERY complicated but that is still what we want because we are bad.  we want them to want to protect us and take care of us.

help help help things are so scary so scary.  kathy and i*digos and everyone was sayin a*ron like try hypnotize us or sumthin try get us sleep with him met with him and we wouldn’t even knw.

why don’t they want to protect us?  (little ones inside cry).  we must not be very loveable.  we thought isf we were loveable enough they would want to but it didn’t work.  oh well.  we are bad and in the dark.

we just wanted someone to protect us.

also our body hurts in different places and some of them are bad.  we have been so scared lately.  so scared.  they must hate us.  they must not love us.

i think the thing with a*ron doesn’t so much change how we feel as validate fears we were uncomfortable aming.  like why we won’t ever be alone with him.  except really this time on the bus.

mommy mommy why won’t you protect me?

mommy protects herself.  mommy protects herself cuz she needs it gotta be a good little girl a good little girl and help out help protect her i can do it i can be a good girl a really good girl and i can protect her and i can take daddy and i can be a good girl (smiles)  i can i can be such a good girl take good care fo mommy and daddy i can be such a good girl i can i can i swear a good girl takes care of mommy for being sad and hurt by daddy i can help i can help (smiles bigger and bites lip).  i can be such a good girl i can please let me i can i can make it all better.  this good girl makes it all better, okay?  she makes it all better.  she is a good girl in every way she can so she can make it all better she is such a good girl and she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better (was there a closet in their room?  i call it daddys room in my head)

i know how to be a good little girl i do i make people happy and make it all better.  i can make it all better i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

shes a good girl isn’t she?  isn’t she?  she’s a good girl now right?  good girl?  she did a good job is a good girl saved mommy so mommy loves her now right?  right?  she did a good job right (eyes wet)?  dicn’t she?   she did such a good job saved mommy helped daddy made mommy all better she was such a good girl she was look at her she was such a good girl she took care of everything.  that’s what a good girl does.  she takes care of everything and i am a good girl right?  i am right?  i did good not bad?  i did good made it better?  for mommy?  i am a good girl who lvoes you and now you love me right?  then mommy holds me and loves me and i am such a good girl (smiles big, eyes wet).  then she loves me so much and i am such a good girl i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better please let me make it all better so you can love me mommy?

when will mommy love me?  mommy will love me when i’m a good girl when i take ccare of everything (flash of a corner of dad’s room).  mommy will love me then for being so good such a good girl she is such a good girl she is such a good girl.  mommy doesn’t mean for me to be hurt, she just needs to be protected.  she just needs to be protected.  she doesn’t mean it that way.  she doesn’t mean it.  she just needs help (flash of that hospial that is so light and airy and white with the room with the sunny window and the bed and i was reading a book).  she just needs help that little mommy so she needed me to make it all better like a good girl makes it all better i can be such a good girl i can watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me the good girl gets her face all wet but that just means she as a good girl clean up

she is a bad girl i think a bad girl for not doing ehr job. seh is a bad girl i think for not doing her job and protecting mommy.  she is a bad girl and a bad girl and a bad girl mommy needs her mommy needs her protection she can take it she can do it instead she can do it and be a good girl and make it all better and be a good girl and be good enough and make it all better and then be loved but then not loved so sad tried so hard all dirty face wet but she can’t love us now she hurts too much mommy hurts all the time poor mommy i can make it better with my dripping face i can be such a good willte girl i can protect her and be the best girl in the whole world in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i amd the best girl in the whoe wide world because i helped mommy and made it better i did i am a bad girl but i did it see (flash of e*a’s old room) i am a little bitch i make it better because i am so good i can make it all better

i am so good i can make it all better (smiles big especially on left side of face).  i am such a bad girl but i can be good and make it all better i can be so good i can do anything and i alway smaek it better for mommy all better so she can rest and sleep and be safe. i take care of her i am a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am see?  i am such a good girl.  i know i am cuz i di a good job but then when i don’t then i’m a bad girl and mommy won’t love me cuz she gets hurt she needs me to take care of her she does i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her and be a good little girl who is very good so good she is so good look how good she is takes care of everytihing like a good little girl what a good little girl someone should hug her she did such a good job she takes care of eveyrhting what a good little girl mommy loves her so much she is so good so good to mommy so good she makes everything all better what a good litttle girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better isn’t she a good girl she is right i know she is if she makes everything all bettter she can be good she can be good to daddy and make it better for mommy she can be a good girl she can be a good girl a good girl a good girl  good girl a good girl (almost remembers a flash of childhood but it slips thoruhg our graasp).  help help help we are so scared we try to be good but we are so scared and even whem we are good we are bad even when we are good we are bad we are worthless watn to die i want to die can we die so we aren’t worthless anymore please can we die and make it better (downstairs in brooklyn).

ahhh.  i’m sorry i can’t just do anymore i just can’t it is too much this pleasing mommy gotta please mommy make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so shell love us take care of her do everything do anything take carre of her protect her be a good girl you bitch be a good girl and help her out just help her out just help her out don’t be selfish she needs you you bitch don’t be selfish you are pointless and bad and horrible and a bitch and i want to die i want to die this is bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

help help help help help help help help help i’m o scared but the only way for people to love you is to be good otherwise stay away stay away stay away just be good and its fine its not that heard its not that hard its not be a good girl its not that hard help mommy she needs it you are a good girl you are be a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a godo girl she hated me i know she did she resented me and wanted me to be hurt i know she did she needed our help she just needed us

she wanted us dead.  she hated us.  she did.  she looked at us and we saw it how she hated us and wanted us to take her pain.  we saw it.  we did.  and we’d do anything not to see it anymore.

(an odd incredible calmness, or at least relative since the typing had been so frenzied)

seems like a good place to leave it. i’m not rereading it.  hope i’m not bad.

but whatever.

truly, though, i can be quite a good girl. if you lget me.  then you love me and i am so happy and loved and loved and loved so much cuz i was a good girl such a good girl. such a good girl.

s*ef hated me when i didn’t want to sleep with her.  everything changed like lightening then we were bad it was cold and theres shocks sin the air we just wanted it to be nice so she scould lvoe us.

wow, mom really set us up as an easy mark.  i guess that’s why we stay so fucking far away from everyone, huh?  why do we keep typing, this is awwful and i want to stop.  i want to take a break and reward myself for doing so well.  i’ve been sitting the fuck around scared out of my mind trying to think when i can and see wha’ts up and hoping i’d get somewehre so i should be fucking brilliant i should be fucking proud but i’m not i’m’ scared and sad and want my mommy to love me

that’s the thing, tho. she never will.  not me.  only the good girl.  two songs we’ve been playing/watching alot:

creep (cover by brandi carlile, which is so fucking awesoem and gritty and growly)

mexican wrestler – jill sobule

plus the usual

throw it all away by brandi carlile (i love her expressions)

whatever.  everything is wierd and tough and i’m trying to figure it out and listen to peopla dn what the fuck.  i’m smoking like a fucking chimney adn my body hurts and i have eaten littel and i bought this stupid large pizza anyway and now no one wants it and we neeed to order groceries and i can’t leave the apartment or shower or anything.  i don’t know.  things are fucking ough.  i’m jealous of people who can do any kind of tangible functioning.  i am really fucking jealous.  i am such a pathetic loser.  and blah it’s my emergency period but it still fucking sucks.  it fucking sucks to be totally disfunctional you know that.  it just sucks and i am really fucking tired of it but whatever tehere is nothing i can do i want to die i want to die i want to die iw ant ot die i want to die i want to die

mom couldn’t rotect us after we moved, we had to negotiate all our visitation and stuff with him.  i guess there’s no reason to think she could have in brooklyn.  i mean, he was a scary guy and she lived with him and couldn’t even protect herself.  she did the best she could.  she ahd her own apartment place for being sometimes it was filled iwth stuuff and messy and stuff i don’t remember it will.  i need to stop typing this is bullshit i need to stop i can’t do this anything anymore my heart is going to burts why cn’t i stop i can’t do this i am blocking it out with smoek and video right

NOW

heehee m*riad said this thing about

how they had never really appreciated how well we use humor to get out of awkward and tense situations by deflecting or distracting because they are usually not trying to do those things.  but then when they WERE they like could totally see how like we can just say something crazy and funny and just take the tension away because then no one is thinking about the tension they are just laughiung.  we are really good at that.

um maybe we reread what some of us worte last night andi t scareded us maybe.  don know why.  it was not thati interesting and it was probably just written to sound good or somthing because that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened tha t never happened we are so bad i know it we have stuff to get done and we ARENT we need to get it done!!  seriously!!!!!  lots of important important money stuff seriously!!!  we want to die it is too scary we want to die we do please can we we need to i need to die.

edges die edges girl now pl-ease okay then not mad anymore why is we so stupid so bad not good enough why is we not good enough don’t understand don’t understand why we is not good enough sleep with us don’t understand why we is not good enough we could be if you gave us a chance doesn’t hurt doesn’t hurt so we is happy you is happy all is happy see i dont understand why you get sad we must not be good enough yet we can try and try and someday maybe we will be please don’t give up we’ll be good enough some day (cold chill spread thru torso and arms)

we really will be good enough some day please don’t give up we’ll get better we are getting better we are we are just give us time to get better please we’ll be better we’ll do better we ccn we can please don’t give up i want to die please don’t give up we can be better we can be better we can be better we can be better we ccan save you if yo i mean we are better we can we can – e*a dream where we couldn’t save her?

it is funny to me that like if you are a little kid making adults come with your hands and mouth, you would definitely not be considered a top.  but if you are that same kid doing the same thing but in an adult body, you would be.  isn’t that wierd?  that seems wierd to me.

that is dirty bad girl bad girl to say that you bad girl you are so bad you bad girl don’t say that don’t say that what is wrong with you bad girl bad girl what is worng with you we hate you bad girl we hate you don’t say those things don’t say flash of grandma’s house don’t say those things diont say them well hit you and kill you we will because then you die bad girl say those things is so bad we will kill you dead NOW

impulse to do something else. reisisted and stayed here.

um we are pretty scarred here.  i dont know why, none of this is really that scary.  i mean it’s not like violent or anything so whateveri ts not a big deal you know we are so bad mak e it sa big deal please dont be mad please dont pleae dont please dont please dont please dont please dont help i want to die i am scared i have things to do i can’t be doing this i need to do the things i know i am being bad i am so bad i am so scared i am messing everything up i can tell help help help help help help i am so scared i really need to die i think okay omigod i ma so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl

okay so m*riad made an interesting point

cuz like we realized we was maybe triggered or somethinand wes ated a candy and 2 potato chips tonight feelin sick maybe oops we’s just tryin help form the pain stop it hurtin wes tryin run helphelp

on another note, omigod i have decided that saying “it would be better if you did such-and-such” has about the function and helpfullness of saying “it would be better if you hadn’t been abused”  so put THAT in your pipe and smoke it

we are so bad.  nymph wrote this cool imrpressive smart stuff and we didn’t say how smart then m*raid said it fore we could but WE THOUGHTED IT ALREADY and we hate not identifin smart stuff bfore other people  cuz nymph all totlly explained logic or like how you can only be sure of the people who like have a use for you.  it was very smart.  we are stupid and wish we were smart and cool like nymph she is all like says what she thinks like even tho it is totally unpopular with the system and like society (say bigs) and stuff we say everyone.  oh we is so bad we is so bad.  we is so bad.  want die.  want die want die want die want die want die want die.

m*riad think maybe should password whole journal but we don’t know tho now we say it get real scared so maybe shouldshould maybe we isn’t listenin.

but ANYWAYS they said write about what you is scared happen no matter what.

sometimes i think people add tags for things they are thinking about but can’t say and that is all they can say and i’ve decided that’s valid and also we just got super cold so we must be pretty scared

and we had a flash to go change our tags to be easier to get to and really wanted to do that and i think that might be a distraction method by someone.  it was really crazy when we tried to change our password yesterday and got all foggy couldn’t remember what happened how to do it couldn’t figure it out and m*riad had to.  that was odd.  that was odd.

and yet we still have not done what we set out to do in this post: which is to write specifically about our fears.  god other people are going ONJ about the punctuation in that last sentence but fuck them oh we are so cold so cold so cold why why why

what is we scared alone scared  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone not loved alone not loved alone not loved don’t want that too scary please too scare pl-ease

bad girrl she is a bad girl she is she is i know it i know it i kow it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it

worthless bitch i know she is a worthless bitch i know it okay so shut up i know it i know it so shut up don’t tell me i know it please don’t say it i know it please don’t tell me i’m bad i know it please don’t sya i know i t i hurt myself see you don’t have to i hurt myself so you don’t have to see?  see?  so you don’t hae to okay?  maybe then you don’t have to.

i can be good and i can hurt myself see?  so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to do it i do it so you can be happy and love me maybe if i hurt myself maybe you will love me again because i need that to happen please i hurt myself then i don’t lose you and you don’t have to okay? (strong pain in right upper forearm near shoulder, almost like when you’ve gotten a tetnis shot)

i am bitch i know it but maybe i hurt myself you love me again maybe? see i try make you happy see then you love me maybe maybe maybe okay? i try real hard do a real good job and then you love me maybe maybe please

that would be nice than you love me maybe and love me maybe and love me maybe and i’m good you love me maybe i can hurt myself again you love me even *more*

okay?  please let me do that so you can love me  i don’t understand why you don’t and won’t let me i just want to make you happy so you will love me i don’t understand why not and why i am so bad  why not hurt me make you love me please  why not you let me do it why not so you can love me why not you don’t want to love me why not i can’t be ba d girl i can’t sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i be good i will i will i will i will i will i will i will i can be so good so good just give me a chance

if you give me a chance i can be so good make you so happy make you so happy make you so happy why don’t why won’t let us why won’t let ys won’t love us you don’t you don’t don’t let us make you happy we is so bad why is you no t let us bee good make you happy we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good we can be so coog if you have no idea if you just let us be good we can be so good we can we can if you let us and then you love us why not you don’t want to lvoe us you don’t you don’t lvoe us i know cuz you won’t let us mak e you happy so you don’t i know it i know it i am so bad i am a bad girl

these are bad thing s scary things but say feel too real not say but we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad

i can be good girl so excited so good make you so happy you  have no idea you dont have to do anything i can make you so happy i am so good i am so good i am so good if you give me a chance i am a courtesan i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good

i really can be such a good girl if you give me a change i mean chance i can be good girl or good boy i can be good anything really i can be so good give me the cahnce i can make you so happy i promise i swear i promise i can i can i can i can i can why don’t you let me why not why don’t why dnot you don’t love me i guess

i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i know you don’t i know it i know it cuz if you love me you let me make you happy so you can actually really love me or something wait hmmmm

not make sense already love me not make sense except from amde you happy before maybe but that wear off can’t be other that not make sense that is wierd arresting can’t don’t like think why think that why say that why be good girl bad girl i am so bad omigoodnes i cam so bad i should die okay i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i neef to die

i know i am saying bad things and beign bad i know cuz i feel it so strong so scared i know this must be bad very bad i must be very selfish and very bad i must be i am sorry i am sorry i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die\

why can’t make happy why can’t be good why can’t so stop feelin so scared and alone and sad forver why can’t let make better why i don’t understand why that hurts us i don’t understand we must just be too bad to deserve it not good enough not good enough not good enough not godo enough not good enough not good enough not good enough not goo d enough i want to die please i want to die if i’m not good enough i want to die i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am

i want to die i do i do i need to die forever now this is too much this is awful this is nothing there is nothing i want to die there is nothing i want to die there is nothing there is nothing there is only one familiar i want tod ie i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

i want to die faker copycat manipulater showoff lier conceited bitch

i know i am bad please don’t tell me i know it and i am happy to hurt myself really just tell me i will i’ll make it better please just tell me i can i can make it better just give me a chance i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

help i need to die i know i am being bad i feel like my skin is exploding i feel like i am too restless to be i want to die this is awful i want to die i want to die help help help help help help help help

it turns out we didn’t have an appt with kathy

which means we made it up.  and brought our guitar to play and hurt our neck so we are double stupid and bad.  we are having a lot of impulses:

• to hurt ourselves for being so stupid and for wanting to cry
• to cry and be comforted
• to shut the fuck up because we are stupid for feeling sad and asr ejerks

we were pretty dissociated when we went ands o i guess this kind of hit us hard.  we are crazy dissociated and the pot made us so dizzy we cna’t even totally think

m*riad said somthin made us realize that we didnt need pot so much before cuz we dissociated instead

cant write more too dizzy crazy

make food eat pills drink water

when i was in college, i used to get “depressed”

which was this sudden intense sadness and loneliness that hurt my chest and made me feel crazy.  it happened when i was with my roommates and i would leave and go outside far away ito the night and scream

it happened at social things with lots of people when i felt left out (which was often)

it was awful.  we got anfry (inside) and just felt *insane* and we couldn’t tell anyone because it was obviosly crazy and bad to feel this way.  it used to happen a lot.  i guess that’s kind of how it is with pink, or the borderliners, or ferillia or whatever, they often focus on one person, it used to be s*ef.  we were *so* jealous of stef.  especially because she was so much more socially adept and was always the center of things sociallyy and we wanted to be.

e*in was in our dream last night.  that wierd thing where she acts like maybe she wants to get back together.  whatever.  like we care.

there’s just this like: i’m all alone, nobody loves me, everyone is out having a good time without me.  ugh.  i hate it.

well the others hate it.  that’s just how i feel.

we hate matt and we know he doesn’t love us (oooooh, that made the bigs MAAAAAD).  whatever, we don’t care.  it’s not *our* job to be good.

so we’re going to write whatever we want and be bad.  we hate matt.  we hate him and he doesn’t love us.  we hate him and we hate that he went to group without us (even tho we REALLY did not want him to skip oh GOD when we’re in pain like that we need to be alone) we haate that he had a good time and did the stuff WE wanted to do we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we HATE it we want to die

we hate it and we are sad and alone and no one loves us and we want to die and we’ll be alone forever forever forever forever foreever forever forever forever

we hate matt.  we hate him because we love him and miss him and know he didn’t love us or miss us because he had too much fun doing what WE wanted to do.  it’s not fair it’s not FAIR (stamps on ground).  stupid matt.  why we always pick one person focus like that what is that?

it better fucking help to write about these things because it fucking sucks to acknowledge them.  it had better. fucking. help.

we are just sad and alone and we hate missing things that are fun that other people go to.  we hate missing out like that we just do it makes us sad.

i want to die.  the bigs will have a cow about this.  fuck them.  it’s so not our problem.  fuck them and they’re trying to look good bullshit where does that get us anyway?  i want to die.

the dream.  there was definitely a dorm and a dorm room and the ra or someone was like i could sleep here if your mom doesn’t need to but i said no my mom could keep staying in my room.  i am going to kill someone.

i am.  i am going to kill someone.  i am.  i am going to kill someone.

AHHH i can’t believe i missed group!!!  i didn’t get to hear people’s share or do mine!!  dammit dammit dammit!  i don’t know how to handle missing something that would have been good for me i don’t know how to do it i need to make up for it i need to make up for it

this is a big thing with me and eva (and mom i’m sure) that if we lose out on something (often monetarily), we have to “make it up” so we didn’t like lose anything.  it’s wierd.  we can’t have lost anything.  we just can’t.  i can’t have lost anything or lost out on anything.  i just can’t.  mom emphasizes that alot.  can’t can’t can’t.  can’t can’t cna’t.  can’t lose out on anything.

can’t come out behind.  can’t lose anything can’t lose out on anything.  can’t.  it is UNACCEPTABLE.  it is too much.  too much grief i can’t.  i can’t.  it has to come out even or better.  it has to be better this way it ALWAYS has to be better this way it does or it is unbareable can’t have lost out can’t have lost anythign can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t i will die i will die i will die if that’s the case i will die i will die. dorms at boston college

we have so little in our life, group is one of the few tangible things we do.  it is really the only tangible thing we do.  i fucking hate ourselves i want to die i want to die

this had better fucking HELP that is all i can say it had better fucking help. cuz i’m not doing this touchy feely crap if it isn’t going to help and i’m not going to be weak unless it will definitely make me stronger fuck that i’m not a fucking baby i’m not some fucking weak person who needs people to take care of their emotions i am fucking strong and alone and i don’t need fucking anybody so back the fuck off

seriously.  we don’t need anybody.  we don’t fucking need anybody.  people who do are so weak, so pathetic, so disgusting, and so worthless.  we’re nothing like that.  we are NOTHING like that.

i am going to kill myself.

yep.  i think that will handle it all nicely.  yep.  time. to. die. (brigs room in the triple).