i have no idea whether this is apprpriate or not

but m*riads told me once that the only (best?) defense they had was to tell and tell and tell.  and so in that vein… i guess if it’s inappropriate i’ll find our and decide what to do from there.
so here is what i think.  i think that a lot of parts of a*ron that used [...]

this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.
okay.  so [...]

i would just like to say, for the record,

that clearly i am treating m*riad like my mother whom i need to save or they’ll leave me. i just want to say that at least some of us are aware of that and trying to keep it in mind. i know it affects us and i know it makes us too reliant [...]

i am sad and small and scared

i know i am a bad girl.  i know that for sure.  i know i am bad very bad and scared.  i know things are not safe and not what they appear to be.  i know that no one is safe.  i know that i am not safe.  i know that i don’t know things [...]

heehee m*riad said this thing about

how they had never really appreciated how well we use humor to get out of awkward and tense situations by deflecting or distracting because they are usually not trying to do those things.  but then when they WERE they like could totally see how like we can just say something crazy and funny and just [...]

okay so m*riad made an interesting point

cuz like we realized we was maybe triggered or somethinand wes ated a candy and 2 potato chips tonight feelin sick maybe oops we’s just tryin help form the pain stop it hurtin wes tryin run helphelp
on another note, omigod i have decided that saying “it would be better if you did such-and-such” has about [...]

it turns out we didn’t have an appt with kathy

which means we made it up.  and brought our guitar to play and hurt our neck so we are double stupid and bad.  we are having a lot of impulses:

to hurt ourselves for being so stupid and for wanting to cry
to cry and be comforted
to shut the fuck up because we are stupid for feeling [...]

when i was in college, i used to get “depressed”

which was this sudden intense sadness and loneliness that hurt my chest and made me feel crazy.  it happened when i was with my roommates and i would leave and go outside far away ito the night and scream
it happened at social things with lots of people when i felt left out (which was often)
it [...]