plus

i am clearly trying not to deal with stuff since i have been obsessively downloading tv shows and have made my way thru the office (both us and uk), scrubs, most of family guy, and am working my way thru seinfeld now (3 seasons in out of 9). i have cleaned a little. [...]

someone almost cried as we played the end of this for kathy yesterday

it’s our secret favorite i think. but i am pretty sure it is in no waay one of our best.  anyway we got wierd playing it today again.  we’re playing through all our songs.  we are crazy missed meds all left at m*riads went there they not there at a*rons got a little triggered but [...]

we are pretty sure m*riad thinks we are too much work

it’s too much work to make our pleasers feel useful, it’s too much work to process, it’s too much work to deal with our triggers.  i don’t know.  it’s a tough thing for us.  our whole body tightens and gets cold our head detaches and floats like a balloon.  we play katamari to ignore the [...]

dammit

another dream. think i woke up banging my head against the pillow over and over.  something about a hotel.  all these girls (my age) there were mad at me.  the rooms were supposed to be all of ours but i was locking all the doors and keeping them all out.  always doors i can’t get [...]

but what if the people had guns?

and could shoot her? mow her down with bullets driving by or through the window or roof or floor of their apartment building.  what if she couldn’t get away?  then wouldn’t you be rooting for her not to find out the information?  to save her lide?  wouldn’t that be the actual goal?
help help help i’m [...]

heehee m*riad said this thing about

how they had never really appreciated how well we use humor to get out of awkward and tense situations by deflecting or distracting because they are usually not trying to do those things.  but then when they WERE they like could totally see how like we can just say something crazy and funny and just [...]

sometimes i think my mom just tried to build in safeties

like she made us petrified of death, made it clear that it would kill her if we died, and basically i think tried to hardwire us against killing ourselves.
and i think she did the same thing with cutting or self-abuse.  we are petrified of marring our skin with a scar.  like we can’t do that, [...]

we had this talk with m*riad that got us thinking

about sex and what being a bottom or a top allows us to do. i think if we are a top than we are in charge of getting the other person off and kind of how things go in general. as a bottom, we are responsible for being as sexy as possible so [...]

i don’t remember my dream last night

but i’m pretty sure it was a nightmare and i woke up with “run to the hills. run for your life” playing over and over in my head til i finally had to look it up and realize it was an iron maiden song we’d played in rock band at m*riad’s.

help i’m scared

someone keeps saying that
help i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared
we had a body thing like friday i think where our head was pushed one side other side then back and something about razers [...]