so here i am

i’m writing so woohoo so great so well done
i… i don’t have anything i want to talk about.  i have things.  but i do not want to talk about them.  i want to talk about things that don’t make me uncomfortable, perhaps that make me look cool in some way.
so so so so so so.
so [...]

this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.
okay.  so [...]

(…)

i would just like to say, for the record,

that clearly i am treating m*riad like my mother whom i need to save or they’ll leave me. i just want to say that at least some of us are aware of that and trying to keep it in mind. i know it affects us and i know it makes us too reliant [...]

who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have [...]

okay, this is a seriously embarassing entry, but i’m going to write it anyway

so m*tt was here (already you can tell this is a teenager or preteen) and we just, wow this is seriously more embarassing than i thought it would be.  it is so odd what is embarassing for us.  i guess all or almost all admissions of embarassment, guilt, and/or shame.
blah okay.  so i am supposed [...]

we are so sad

heavy in our heart.  unloved.  ssandbagged and filled with sand. hurt and alone. smoking smoking smoking. scared and sad.  it is funny how we always come back here.  and at this time of year i guess.  because i felt that way with e*in basically all the time after we started actually “dating” vs like just [...]

sad at you

we were talking to m*riad’s littles and they said they felt like they’d never be good enough for us because we were always upset with them so it was never safe and how it made them so sad.  and i just listened, and tried to explain, and took it all in because this was gospel.  [...]

also, it has been really wierd to be people who don’t want to smoke

like they don’t want to feel more out of control.  it’s odd.  glad to have some of the saner ones back, the oddly less functional tho.  i guess the more dissociated the less we want to smoke. hmmmmm.  maybe that’s why we started when s*ef was gone cuz we were safe.  hmmmmm.  also she wasn’t [...]

Protected: i am going to kill mytself

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