this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.
okay.  so [...]

(…)

m*riad and us talked

i think wes are really similar.  both of us are constantly striving for the other’s love/apporval and (in their own mind) never getting it.  i don’t really know what to do about it.  we both have mom issues triggered big time, tho these are not my usual mom issues cuz those involve feeling suffocated they [...]

i am sad and small and scared

i know i am a bad girl.  i know that for sure.  i know i am bad very bad and scared.  i know things are not safe and not what they appear to be.  i know that no one is safe.  i know that i am not safe.  i know that i don’t know things [...]

god i am such a loser

first i get so triggered by m*riad seeing a*ron that i basically start crying when it happens, then i get all sad because they can’t tell me about it.  which makes total SENSE and is that i’d do, i just, i hate being someone they have to keep things from.  even if it’s omission.  but [...]

it is so cold in the apartment

help help i’m scared something is going on e*a wrote emails she feels our pain alot and she understands why we need to be away and we aren’t disappointing her and she wants to know if she can help.  it is colder and colder.  colder and colder.  she is scared we are going to kill [...]

we are so sad

heavy in our heart.  unloved.  ssandbagged and filled with sand. hurt and alone. smoking smoking smoking. scared and sad.  it is funny how we always come back here.  and at this time of year i guess.  because i felt that way with e*in basically all the time after we started actually “dating” vs like just [...]

sad at you

we were talking to m*riad’s littles and they said they felt like they’d never be good enough for us because we were always upset with them so it was never safe and how it made them so sad.  and i just listened, and tried to explain, and took it all in because this was gospel.  [...]

so something wierd happened

or actually it wasn’t wierd, but that was wierd because it shouldn’t be that common.  or whatever.
anyway, we were with m*riad and we got turned on and then they wanted to go to sleep and we worried it was because they could tell we were turned on and were really threatened.
so know what? we ASK-ED.and [...]

okay so m*riad made an interesting point

cuz like we realized we was maybe triggered or somethinand wes ated a candy and 2 potato chips tonight feelin sick maybe oops we’s just tryin help form the pain stop it hurtin wes tryin run helphelp
on another note, omigod i have decided that saying “it would be better if you did such-and-such” has about [...]