so here i am

i’m writing so woohoo so great so well done
i… i don’t have anything i want to talk about.  i have things.  but i do not want to talk about them.  i want to talk about things that don’t make me uncomfortable, perhaps that make me look cool in some way.
so so so so so so.
so [...]

Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

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plus

we got all triggerred last nigth cuz m*riad basically told us that they were doing *us* a favor by letting us go with them to therapy and plus they already told us it’s like we’re not there cuz we don’t talk enough.  it is so embarassing cuz i thought we were really helping and trying [...]

Protected: ummmmm, stuff

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

m*riad and us talked

i think wes are really similar.  both of us are constantly striving for the other’s love/apporval and (in their own mind) never getting it.  i don’t really know what to do about it.  we both have mom issues triggered big time, tho these are not my usual mom issues cuz those involve feeling suffocated they [...]

we are pretty sure m*riad thinks we are too much work

it’s too much work to make our pleasers feel useful, it’s too much work to process, it’s too much work to deal with our triggers.  i don’t know.  it’s a tough thing for us.  our whole body tightens and gets cold our head detaches and floats like a balloon.  we play katamari to ignore the [...]

i am sad and small and scared

i know i am a bad girl.  i know that for sure.  i know i am bad very bad and scared.  i know things are not safe and not what they appear to be.  i know that no one is safe.  i know that i am not safe.  i know that i don’t know things [...]

okay, this is a seriously embarassing entry, but i’m going to write it anyway

so m*tt was here (already you can tell this is a teenager or preteen) and we just, wow this is seriously more embarassing than i thought it would be.  it is so odd what is embarassing for us.  i guess all or almost all admissions of embarassment, guilt, and/or shame.
blah okay.  so i am supposed [...]

it is so cold in the apartment

help help i’m scared something is going on e*a wrote emails she feels our pain alot and she understands why we need to be away and we aren’t disappointing her and she wants to know if she can help.  it is colder and colder.  colder and colder.  she is scared we are going to kill [...]

we are so sad

heavy in our heart.  unloved.  ssandbagged and filled with sand. hurt and alone. smoking smoking smoking. scared and sad.  it is funny how we always come back here.  and at this time of year i guess.  because i felt that way with e*in basically all the time after we started actually “dating” vs like just [...]